Mouse cursor

User: Mate not sure whats going on here but I bulldozed the crap off my desk this morning, rearrange stuff and now my second monitor doesn’t work

Me: What do you mean that it doesn’t work I can see it powered on and your desktop wallpaper displayed?

User: The mouse cursor won’t jump from the left monitor to the right and then with a dead serious face asked

"is it too far apart to jump that far?"

Me: Attempts a straight face whilst attempting to stifle an insane giggle which only resulted in me making sounds like a hippopotamus shitting in choppy water, lean over, load desktop settings, drag the right monitor to the left, click apply, say it’s all fixed now and walk away laughing like a loon.


Times New Roman

"We want the newest version of Times New Roman. Don’t try to cheat us with that outdated crap."


Virus cleaner

(A customer has just bought a cellphone. She wants me to show her how to insert the SIM card. I open the cover on the phone and reach for the SIM card when she shouts, startling me.)

Customer: “No! Don’t touch it!”

Me: “But I have to put the SIM card in—”

Customer: “No! You can’t touch it!”

Me: “I have to touch it to insert the SIM Card into the cellphone.”

Customer: “But I don’t want you to touch it! It will get viruses on it! I’ve heard it can happen! Just show me how to do it, and I’ll do it myself!”

Me: “Ma’am, the viruses you’ve heard about are digital programs, and can not be transmitted from a person touching the SIM card. But if you absolutely don’t want me touching it, you may insert the SIM card yourself.”

Customer: “I don’t want viruses in my cellphone! I’ll do it myself, thank you.”

(At this point the customer takes out a bottle of window cleaner spray and towel, sprays it on her hands, and dries them off. Then, she very carefully grabs the SIM card on the edges and slides it inside the cellphone.)

Customer: “See?! No viruses!”

Me: “Well done, ma’am. Have a nice day.”


Monitor ink

I worked at the Print Depot at Office Depot. A woman brought in her monitor and said that she needed to replace its ink since the images on the screen were starting to fade. She actually thought that what she saw on the screen was ink being splattered on the glass to make an image.

After trying(and failing) to explain to her multiple times that she needed a new monitor I just sent her to technology. It was their problem now.


Peppermint candles

When I worked at Crate & Barrel, during Christmas season we had floating candles that looked like peppermints on display. An older man tryed to eat one when I politely told him they were not candy and, in fact, candles. He got really angry and threatened to sue the store for false advertisement.

I quit shortly after.



My roommate, who worked with me on our university’s computer support team, gets a PANICKED call from the football coach.

He’d broken the end off of an Ethernet cable somehow and was freaking out thinking the room was being filled with ether gas.